420 ftw
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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