I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
