i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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