I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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