Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
