So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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