There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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