My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
