my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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