dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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