i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
