I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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