i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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