i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
