No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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