Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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