i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
