the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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