apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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