Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We're too hungover to prance.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
