Can i not drive my cunt home
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.