A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM