Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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