I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Randomize
