I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
