Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
