whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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