u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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