I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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