moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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