i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
