so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
