This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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