styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
