nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
