There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
