have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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