The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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