just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
