I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
