lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
