I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
