i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
