My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
