Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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