Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
