Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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