This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
