I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's always time for handjobs
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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