They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
