I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Randomize
