It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
