Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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