put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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